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*Squidward Fetal Position* FUTURE

So my parents just started noticing that I have been biting my nails and I told them it was because of anxiety. They then proceeded to ask me why I have anxiety since nothing in my life could be making me anxious. Im about to graduate in the fall an I dont have a post graduate job secured and have no idea what Im going to do with my life. I dont want to take out a student loan because of the horror stories I've heard and grad school cost about $30,000. I havent applied to get into the grad school I want to get into because I need to take the GRE again because I think I did horrible the first time. Studying for that is making my eye twitch as I am also taking summer school.

On top of all that I have to cook and take care of my family and maintain a 3.0 or I'm screwed. So basically everything in my life is causing me stress but I look really cool on the outside.

I feel like Im drowning.

I feel trapped and like I'm in quicksand. My parents mainly my father is very controlling and since I still live at home and dont have the money to move out and leave I dont have a choice but to follow his rules. He does let me do anything and every job I go out for he immediately shoots me down and only looks at the negative parts of it. I want to work and be an adult and move out but he is slowing my progress. It doesn't help that he's bed ridden and handicap so I have to take care of him. If I leave no one will make sure he takes his medicine an makes his doctors appointment. Hence the feeling like Im trapped. My mother is an emotional and physical abuser towards him so if I was to leave then she would definitely start abusing him more and worse because I wouldn't be here to protect him. I just dont know what to do but I do know that I need to do something for myself before I go insane.
My mom for some reasons always waits until all the kids are gone before she lashes out and attacks my Dad. Its always completely out of no where and she hits and abuses him. He usually just shrugs it off but when she starts hitting him while he's sleeping he has to either threaten to call the cops or call one of us back home. I feel like I can't live my life the way I want to because I have to spend time making sure that my mom doesnt try and kill him one day. I dont understand why she acts the way she does but I think she has a problem and choose to lash out and then act like nothing happened. She never wants to talk it out.

All Talk

You know when you feel like your doing a good job and then someone comes along and discredits everything you have been working toward? Thats what its like with M. She will see you doing progress but unless the fat just falls off your body and your a single digit size the next day she's not happy. D has been working really hard to try and become more active and work toward getting out the house. My honest opinion is that d is too old and can't do as much as he use to. She still sees him as the person he was ten years ago and refuses to get with the times.

She says she's gonna leave but I dont believe that until I see it.

I'm feeling lost.

I dont enjoy the job that I am in right now so I quit. I dont knoww what I want to do because I really dont know what makes me happy. I love to write but I dont have the writing that will get me published because I need more practice. Im feeling little hopeless and like the degree that Im getting means nothing. I just need someone to point me in the right direction. I just need something.


As I grow older Im starting to see just how much my parents especially my mother are horrible with managing her money. She skipped the last two house notes and gambled the money away. $6000 down the drain. The may take the house because my dad can't keep bailing her out. She already took a second mortgage out on the house and just insured that we will never own it. I just want her to realize that she has a problem and try and get it fixed.

Went back to exercising today.

I made a schedule and everything follow. I think I might stick to it this time only because I really do like how I feel after and all that. I just need to be able to get my eating under control and cut out a lot of the meat that is incorporated in my diet.

Apr. 24th, 2015

You know when you havent been doing anything wrong all day and someone asks you to do something and then you do it but they come in later and yell at you for not doing something they never asked you to do? Im just sitting here on my computer working and minding my own business and my mom comes out of no where and decides that now is the time to yell at me because she's mad at my dad.
I hate when people misdirect their feelings form some other person and make ti about someone else. My someone else being me for my mom. I just ignore her or make her mad enough to get the fuck out of my room and go find another target. Im sick of her walking around like she's so fragile and everyone can't say anything bad to her but when she is lashing out at us were just suppose to take it. Drives me up the wall. As much as I would love to move out its hard because my dad is disabled and as hard as it is to say this he isn't working hard enough to get himself out of his predicament. He has a physical therapist come and see him and they barely do any work and he always makes excuses for not walking around or being up and lays around and sleeps. It drives me crazy.


The one rule I try to follow for my parents house is to respect the house and everything in it. I follow this as well as my youngest brother but my middle brother is having some trouble. He has been smoking weed since high school and last year my parents finally found out. He got all upset that they basically threw out all his shit and he had to start a collection all over again and thinks he's being sneaky by hiding dryer sheets in the ceiling vents and putting a wet towel under the door.
Personally I think its pathetic that he goes to so much trouble to do them in the house and when my parents aren't home becomes sloppy in covering up his shit. My youngest brother and I have stopped covering for him because honestly the news to stop doing it. All he complains about is the fact that he never has any money but the reason he doesnt have any money is because he spends it all on weed and shit.
I fear for my younger brothers and think that when my parents pass they are going to be nightmares at budgeting and being an adult.

You already know what it is.

Its like a relay right now. She will go into my Dad's room and then walk back out and then go in and say something else and then walk back out. I think in her mind she thinks she's helping but really she's just making it so that people dont want to be near her. Imma sit here and watch Daredevil and wait for her to give up and go find something else to pick on.