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Maybe your just an unhappy person

There are many times when being unhappy is warranted and many people are unhappy all the time. Then there are people who are unhappy through negativity and their own pursuits. They go out of their way to avoid the good things in life and try to inject others with their negativity. I just wouldnt want to be like that and my mother is one of these people. She doesnt greet people when they come in, she walks in an immediately starts complaining and trying to get people to do what they want.

My Mother Might Be Mentally Ill

Her moods go from average to low where shes basically yelling at everyone and emotionally abusing my father. Its like a back and forth thing and I honestly dont understand where it comes from. Shes really sweet and nice when she needs money but after she gets it and spends it then she goes back to her former attitude. She is sick. I think she doesnt understand that my dads position allows him to work from home and since she went the education route she didnt get the same opportunities. I honestly believe that shes crazy. And she found the gun my parents bought years ago for protection before we were born and shes been fake threatening my dad that she might shoot him when she aint about to do shit. He told her if she wanted to leave or split the house it that was fine but she wants to stay and continue to get that money and always have someone taking care of her buying all the shit she wants when she wants it.

Ugh, I need to take care of my body.

I am starting to realize not that Im older that death is inevitable and its up to me to make sure that I get the most out of life. I am going to have to start working out and stop eating like shit. Vegetable shouldnt be occasional and I should be able to run a fucking mile man. I want to be one of those fat girl runners. Welp time to start.

Groundhog's Day

The fighting has started again and its getting annoying. M is saying the same shit she always has and its sad/interesting watching their marriage fall apart.

Im starting to trip.

M is making me reach my breaking point. She frequently does this not out of concern but so she can text and email F and talk about me or my brothers. She recently took a picture of my feet and tried to act like she wasnt and it pisses me off that she lies and then slinks off into a corner and then send it to F and lectures him like its his fault that he doesnt say anything to us. Im an adult and her ways are starting to piss me off she needs to find a hobby or another job and preoccupy her time worrying about herself. At this point I really just want to tell her to fuck off and never speak to her again.

You can be loud or wrong you can't be both.

M loves to poke the bear and then act shocked when she gets bit. She starts arguments without having all the facts and wonders why everyone looks at her weird when she says shit that is completely and totally not true. For years she has been threatening to leave F but I know she wont do it because she sucks with money. All of her money is spent on mostly shit she doesnt need and then relies on F to back her up when she continuously goes over budget. M has run through her retirement and is barely getting by. I just want them to break up so the house can finally have some fucking piece and quiet. M is intentionally making herself sick and trying to say that it has to do with F. If it were true everyone would be getting sick and not just her. She likes to emotionally abuse people and then gets upset when we call her out. Its just a long line in a series of bullshit that has been happening because of my mom.

My Dad has his faults as well.

My Dad can't walk very well or very far so he's mostly bed ridden. The problem is that he intentionally eats foods that mess up his stomach and make him have to go to the bathroom. Its fine at other times like when it happen in the morning or the afternoon but it annoys the fuck out of me when its like the middle of the night and he needs someone to say awake to open the door and then take out the bag or give him some advil and its usually me. I need sleep like everyone else. Its obvious that this entire thing is affecting me because I am sluggish in the morning and I can't really wake up enough to want to workout or be proactive.

I just wish he would try harder to make an effort to go to the bathroom and use the toilet instead of just going in his bed and then waiting for someone to clean him up. My mom is right when she says that he flushes a lot of money down the drain because this is costing him like $200-$300 dollars a week which he could be spending on something else. There's also the constant ordering of medical supplies on top of that. I just think he doesnt try hard enough to become better. Because he has so many crutches letting him continue to do what he did normally. He has gone to rehabs more than once and he does well while he's there but once he's out its like a backslide to the way he use to be.

Minding Your Own Business

My mother has had a problem almost all my life of minding her own business. She always is looking through my stuff as well as my brothers things as soon as we leave our rooms. She is the nosiest person I have ever met. Ever since she hasn't been working she has been looking out the window spying on our neighbors. She has become the busy body of the neighborhood behind the woman who is the neighborhood gossip. Between spying on everyone else and nagging my dad I feel like she either needs to find some work or find a damn hobby.

She is always there to give advice no one fucking asked for and make things all over difficult. I just want her to find something to do and leave everyone else alone.

*Squidward Fetal Position* FUTURE

So my parents just started noticing that I have been biting my nails and I told them it was because of anxiety. They then proceeded to ask me why I have anxiety since nothing in my life could be making me anxious. Im about to graduate in the fall an I dont have a post graduate job secured and have no idea what Im going to do with my life. I dont want to take out a student loan because of the horror stories I've heard and grad school cost about $30,000. I havent applied to get into the grad school I want to get into because I need to take the GRE again because I think I did horrible the first time. Studying for that is making my eye twitch as I am also taking summer school.

On top of all that I have to cook and take care of my family and maintain a 3.0 or I'm screwed. So basically everything in my life is causing me stress but I look really cool on the outside.

I feel like Im drowning.

I feel trapped and like I'm in quicksand. My parents mainly my father is very controlling and since I still live at home and dont have the money to move out and leave I dont have a choice but to follow his rules. He does let me do anything and every job I go out for he immediately shoots me down and only looks at the negative parts of it. I want to work and be an adult and move out but he is slowing my progress. It doesn't help that he's bed ridden and handicap so I have to take care of him. If I leave no one will make sure he takes his medicine an makes his doctors appointment. Hence the feeling like Im trapped. My mother is an emotional and physical abuser towards him so if I was to leave then she would definitely start abusing him more and worse because I wouldn't be here to protect him. I just dont know what to do but I do know that I need to do something for myself before I go insane.